“Walking Dead” Dead Ranks: Carl is Thy Virus’ Name

walking dead dead ranks: prison thy name is carll
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“The Walking Dead” transitioned into a murder mystery show on Sunday night meaning that these Dead Rankings will likely be losing some members. Additionally, characters like Daryl and Glenn, being really badass/saving Glenn and really annoying/almost dying before Daryl foolishly saved him, respectively, didn’t do much to change their positions. As such, I’ve added Maggie’s sister, Beth, and the crazy, potentially rat feeding Lizzie to the fray. Lizzie’s zombie boyfriend (now deceased for reals) did not make the cut.

For newbies, here’s how The Dead Power Ranks work. Each week, I will rank the characters using a complex formula of who I want to die (scored 1-10) plus whether I think they will die (scored 1-10) to arrive at the Overall Dead score. The higher the score, the longer I think they’ll survive/want them to hang around

1) Daryl
Want Dead: 10
Will Die: 10
Dead Score: 20 (-)

Daryl remains at the head of the wolf pack, seemingly immune to the virus of uneven character development and confusing, irritating decisions that has infected a large majority of the show’s characters. If his score could have risen this week, it would have, as he was particularly heroic both in action (saving hapless romantics during the zombie in-prison out break) and in words (successfully imploring Rick to grab his balls). His only drawback is the lingering potential pairing with this week’s breakout “I Want Her to Die!” candidate, Carol. The only reason I want them to sleep together is so Carol quickly dies thereafter, as the show appears to be following the death formula espoused by Randy in “Scream.” (Sex = death!)

2) Michonne
Want Dead: 8
Will Die: 10
Dead Score: 18 (-)

Michonne likewise remains entrenched at the 2 position. The show is taking pains to round her character out – she feels guilt for a less than perfect zombie kill, putting Carl and Maggie in jeopardy in the moments before the zombie out break and, in one of the series’ more powerful moments, quickly loses her stoic façade when holding Rick’s baby daughter – which means that she’s sticking around for a while. Of all the characters, I’d be most interested in a Michonne flashback episode, which means that I kinda care about her. Besides, what are the alternatives? Daryl walking around chewing ragweed and doling out wedgies to minorities; Glenn playing video games in his underwear and creepily staring at girls who look like Maggie through his telescope; Shane pumping iron and fist pumping to Ke$ha?

3) Tyreese
Want Dead: 8
Will Die: 8
Dead Score: 16 (+1)

Tyreese didn’t do much this episode besides act like a puppy dog in the wake of his foolishly chaste girlfriend getting quarantined. He also wasted valuable resources by making her a bouquet when it would have to be supported by tepid, Ebola water. Nonetheless, her death (if it is in fact her, the bracelet seemed a little too focused on in the close-up) will likely send him into a tailspin of rage and detective work that could produce Cutty-like boxing interrogations of suspects like Glenn and Carl. Win win!

4) Beth
Want Dead: 8
Will Die: 8
Dead Score: 16 (NR)

Beth cracks the top 5 because of her indifference in the face of death and destruction, her excellent baby handling skills and the fact that she is really helping the show’s budget by seemingly never leaving her jail cell apartment. They have given Hershel’s younger an expanded role, and one that fits into the season’s broader theme of accepting the new rules of life and death, so I can’t see them killing her off any time soon. Also, I want some questions answered about her age because I sensed some chemistry between her and Daryl in episode one and I really don’t want Daryl to go back to his pedophiliac ways. What? I’m just assuming.

5) Maggie
Want Dead: 7
Will Die: 7
Dead Score: 14 (-3)

No, Maggie didn’t get less hot since last episode but she continues to do nothing besides dote on Glenn who couldn’t even hold his own against a single zombie. Really? Andrea killed like 45 at the end of Season 2. I’m positive that this relationship will end in tragedy and I’m really hoping that it’s not double tragedy, meaning that Carol is left as the show’s resident sex symbol.

6) Rick
Want Dead: 3
Will Die: 10
Dead Score: 13 (+1)

You know the friend who you invite out and they say they’re not going to go out, so you have other friends beg the person to go out and he keeps saying no, so finally you give up, but when it’s time to hit the town, he shows up? That’s Rick. He only maintained his good boy, farmer persona for long enough that the council could plead with him to bring his gun out on runs, so cool kids like Daryl could feed his fragile ego and until an opportunity presented himself where he could save the day. The transition from hokey grower of carrots and corn into fearless leader would have bought him more points if this hadn’t already happened forty times before. Eventually, someone close to Rick will die, he will blame himself and this ruthless cycle will repeat itself. Fingers crossed that it’s Carl!

7) Lizzie
Want Dead: 9
Will Die: 4
Dead Score: 13 (NR)

I don’t get it. Lizzie is looked upon as weird and messed up because she finds the zombies more interesting to hang out with than the rest of the people in the prison? The girl’s saying what the rest of us are thinking. That being said, Carol’s brand of Toys for Toddlers is going to come back and bite her in a big way and Lizzie or her younger sister are prime candidates for casualty.

8) Hershel
Want Dead: 8
Will Die: 3
Dead Score: 11 (-1)

With every episode that Hershel does nothing but give sage advice to Rick his “Want Dead” score will remain constant but his “Will Die” score will go down by one. Meaning that if Hershel somehow survives the season, his “Will Die” score will end at around -11. Notice a trend, by the way, with most of the show’s characters doing nothing?

9) D’angelo/Bob?
Want Dead: 5
Will Die: 5
Dead Score: 10 (NR)

D’angelo’s name on the show is Bob? For that, I lowered his “Want Dead” score a point. He didn’t do much else to distinguish himself in this episode so we’ll see if the show makes uses of this fine actor moving forward. Clearly the early “Burning Man” candidate.

10) Carl
Want Dead: 1
Will Die: 8
Dead Score: 9 (-)

Carl’s score remains the same because now in addition to being a sociopath (and not the cute child sociopath that we would all more readily accept) and really annoying, he’s also a tattle tale. He would be my prime “serial killer” candidate if not for the fact that he couldn’t have dragged the bodies alone. Maybe Shane’s fist pumping ghost helped out.

11) Glenn
Want Dead: 2
Will Die: 2
Dead Score: 4 (-2)

If you need more reasons then you haven’t read the rest of the article and I also assign you a “Dead Score” of 4.

12) Carol
Want Dead: 1
Will Die: 3
Dead Score: 4 (-6)

A plummet for poor Carol corresponding perfectly with an extended amount of screen time. How surprising. Carol used that time to try to get a nine year old to kill her father and then, in the wake of being entrusted with her and her sister’s care, scolded her for not doing it quickly and efficiently enough, before finally slipping her a knife which will probably lead to very bad things. She also was dumb enough to attempt to bribe jerkface Carl who doesn’t listen to anyone. Also, hasn’t this mediocre character lived long enough? I’m convinced she’s only around because they are paying her minimum wage.